How telling my story helps me heal with chronic illness

Resistance against the narrative flattening of me to a collection of diagnoses and tests

Remembering that I’m also made up of joys curiosity pleasure rage

That I’m physical

That I move that I’m squishy cold hot sweaty

That I can change my mindset and mood just by

Descending into a bath or lake

By wheeling to the river and putting my or my dog’s feet in it 

That sometimes I can’t because I’m too dizzy and fatigued to enjoy hot water or movement respectively

That I don’t enjoy feeling stuck 

But

You don’t have to be perfect to show progress 

I persist anyway and self preservation on those days

Has dirty hair

And wears last night’s t-shirt 

And that’s also part of my current story 

And a part of me wants this— all of it

To be witnessed

This too is Long Covid, it resembles so many illnesses and disabilities

Life is not just injections and rehab

Doctors’ notes and indirect communication with

Insurance agents trying to trap you

In some sort of lie of capability or incapacity 

The trap of needing to prove you’re trying

But that it’s your body that’s failing

To show you’re perpetually failing your own tests 

Of could I go back?

At what percent am I of my former self?

Living with grief and joy

Except the last two years are not a black hole

Life is not absence

Like I’ve learned how to rest

How to say no and disappoint people

I’ve learned to bounce back and back and back

I’ve learned what upsets me

And I’ve practiced noticing water, wetness 

Bringing me into my aliveness

Every few days or so 

Thank goodness

I hope it can help you come into your aliveness too

<3<3<3

Do you crave a space to retell your authentic story in a supportive community?

Click here for info about my upcoming writing workshop. Let me know what you think